When you live far from home, there is a sentence that can echo louder than any other: I should be there.
It often appears in moments of shock or helplessness, when a parent becomes unwell, a sibling is struggling, or a family crisis unfolds thousands of kilometres away. It can arrive instantly, heavy and absolute, leaving little room for nuance or kindness. For many immigrants and expats, this guilt becomes one of the most painful emotional burdens of living abroad.
Why expat guilt can feel so intense
Guilt thrives in situations where love meets limitations. You care deeply, you want to help, and yet geography places very real boundaries on what you can do.
Unlike other forms of guilt, expat guilt is often layered. It can include guilt for not being physically present, for continuing daily life while loved ones suffer, for choosing to live abroad in the first place, and even for moments when life still feels good where you are. Underneath all of this is an unacknowledged fear about what your absence might say about you as a person.
Many people begin to question their character, their priorities, or whether they are selfish for having built a life elsewhere. But these questions usually arise from pain rather than truth. They are the mind’s attempt to make sense of a situation that feels deeply unfair.
When the nervous system goes into crisis mode
When someone we love is in crisis, our nervous system shifts quickly into threat mode. We look for certainty, control, and clear action. Being physically present can feel like the ultimate form of responsibility and safety. When that is near impossible, due to financial, work or own-family responsibilities, the mind often fills the gap with self-blame. Thoughts about what a “good” son or daughter would do can become harsh and absolute, leaving little space for the reality of your circumstances.
These thoughts are understandable. They come from helplessness and fear, not from a balanced view of your values or your capacity to love.
Redefining what “being there” really means
We often reduce care to physical acts such as sitting in hospital rooms, cooking meals, or driving to appointments. Those things matter, but they are not the only way to show love. Care can live in long phone calls across time zones, in steady emotional support, in helping with decisions, in offering practical assistance from afar, and in checking-in consistently.
Holding two truths at the same time
One of the most difficult and healing emotional skills is allowing two truths to exist together. You can wish you were closer to your family and still be allowed to have a life where you are. You can feel heartbroken about what is happening back home and still find moments of meaning or even joy in your current life.
You do not need to suffer constantly to prove that you love them. You do not need to undo the life you have built in order to be loyal. Love is not measured only in kilometres travelled or hours spent in the same room.
Meeting yourself with compassion
If you are living with this guilt now, it may help to notice how harsh your inner voice has become. Many people speak to themselves in ways they would never speak to a friend in the same situation. There is often an expectation to be endlessly available, endlessly strong, endlessly responsible, as though being human were not already enough.
You are not failing your family
Feeling torn between two worlds is not a moral weakness. It is the emotional cost of loving people in more than one place. Grief, fear, longing, and guilt are signs of attachment, not abandonment.
If your heart keeps repeating I should be there, it may help to remember that presence is not only physical. You are there in your concern, your love, your consistency, and your desire to ease their suffering in whatever ways you can.
Strategies to cope with guilt when you’re abroad
While guilt may never disappear completely, it can soften. One helpful step is to gently separate what is within your control from what is not. You did not create the illness, the accident, or the crisis, and you cannot solve it simply by being harder on yourself. Another step is to notice when guilt turns into self-judgment, and to question whether that voice is truly fair or simply frightened.
It can also help to speak openly about what you are carrying with a friend or counsellor. Many expats hide this pain to avoid worrying their families or appearing ungrateful for their lives abroad. Yet naming the guilt, whether with a trusted friend, partner, or therapist, often reduces its intensity. When something is shared, it becomes lighter to hold.
Finding small, meaningful ways to stay connected can also restore a sense of agency. Regular calls, shared routines across time zones, voice messages, or simple consistency can remind both you and your loved ones that the relationship is still alive and supportive, even from afar.
Most importantly, it helps to remember that guilt is not the same as responsibility. Feeling bad does not make you more loving, more loyal, or more useful to the people you care about. Compassion, clarity, and steadiness often serve them far more than quiet self-punishment ever could.
Need support?
If you are living abroad and feeling a deep sense of guilt, you don’t have to hold it on your own. Expat guilt, grief, and the emotional strain of loving people across borders are real and valid experiences. If you would like support in navigating them, working with a counsellor who understands the complexity of life between countries can help you make sense of what you’re feeling and find steadier ground.