You were excited to move abroad. You chose this. The adventure and freedom called to you. And even now, months or years into your journey, you still know deep down it was the right choice. But what you weren’t prepared for was how deeply disorienting it would feel to have to leave behind parts of yourself that you thought would always be with you.
The Invisible Loss
When you move abroad, people ask about the food, the scenery, your new life. They see the photos, the novelty, the courage. What they don’t see, what few talk about, is the quiet, deeply personal work of identity redefinition that begins the moment you land.
There’s a strange kind of grief that arises when the roles and routines that once defined you no longer exist. Maybe you were the career professional, the social organiser, the emotionally reliable one in your group. Now, in this new country, those roles aren’t accessible. You don’t yet have the language, the cultural fluency, or the social context.
You become someone who doesn’t quite fit. A foreigner. And in striving to belong, at times you alienate parts of yourself, leaving your identity fragmented. Some of your skills, your sense of humour, even your principles are pushed aside simply because they don’t translate. Literally, or figuratively.
The Shame of Difference
You might feel shame, even if you don’t name it that way. Shame for being the foreigner. For not knowing how to do things “right.” For not being able to express yourself with the nuance and depth that once came so easily. In a new language, you’re suddenly simplified. You find yourself smiling and nodding in conversations you barely follow, avoiding topics you once had strong opinions on because you don’t have the words.
You become one-dimensional. Not because you are, but because your complexity gets lost in translation. There’s a kind of internal shrinking that happens. A subtle retreat from your full self. And because it’s not dramatic, no one notices. But you feel it. In the small silences, the swallowed words, the things left unsaid.
The Existential Undercurrent
For many, moving abroad also triggers anxiety and a search for meaning. It begins with a disconnection: from your country, from your network, and then from yourself. Without the familiar web of relationships, routines, and responsibilities, you’re left with vast freedom. And with that freedom comes the daunting responsibility to define yourself again from scratch.
Who am I without my job, my language, my cultural belonging?
What matters, now that no one is watching or expecting anything of me?
These aren’t small questions. They’re soul-deep.
And while people back home might envy your new life, you’re quietly confronting a crisis of meaning. When you move abroad, you “pay” with a portion of yourself, to become a new version of you. You get to experience things you would never have the opportunity back home, but you leave behind a life that could have been.
The fork in the road not taken, the life not lived. You never know what could have been if you had chosen to stay. The version of you that may have thrived in your home country.
This fragmentation of your identity bears a quiet grief out of a decision made in full awareness. The grief that stays with you, that’s never quite quenched as you move through your new life with conviction in the spirit of adventure.
Rebuilding a Self
No one tells you that moving abroad is more than just logistics and lifestyle. It’s a psychological and emotional rebirth. An identity deconstruction. A shedding of old skins and slow stitching of a new one. Often stitched alone. You find yourself choosing which parts of yourself to hide, which to preserve, and which to let go of. Sometimes out of survival. Sometimes just to belong. It’s invisible work, rarely validated. But it’s work. It’s exhausting. And it’s necessary.
How Counselling Can Help
This is where counselling can be transformative. Not because it fixes anything, but because it offers something rare and essential: a space to meet yourself again.
Counselling helps you:
- Make sense of the internal shifts you’re experiencing
- Explore the parts of yourself that feel lost, alienated, or fragmented
- Bring words to the silent grief and unease
- Reconnect with values and inner truths that transcend location
- Clarifying who you want to be in your new context
In counselling, we may explore not just who you’re becoming, but who you had to leave behind to get here. The parts of you that were muted for the sake of fitting in. The parts that are still waiting to be invited back. We work toward integrating all the parts of you into a consistent, complex self that holds both your old and new identities. Not erasing the past or blindly embracing the present, but weaving them together into a fuller, more flexible version of you.
I offer online counselling for expats, immigrants, travellers, and anyone going through deep life transitions. Together, we can explore the personal and existential shifts that come with change. If you’re looking for a therapist who gets it, learn more about my online counselling services.