You’ve packed your bags, said your goodbyes, and stepped into a life that many people dream of. New sights, new adventures, a fresh chapter. And yet, alongside the excitement, there’s a quiet heaviness in your chest.
Guilt.
You miss birthdays. You can’t just “pop over” when your sister is sick. The memory of your mum’s tears at the airport. You feel the sting when a friend says, “You’re so lucky, I could never leave my family like that.”
No one warns you that loving your new life abroad can sometimes feel like you’ve abandoned the ones who raised you, supported you, and needed you. You are happy where you are, but feel like your happiness comes at the expense of your loved ones.
Why guilt is so common when you move abroad
Guilt thrives in the gap between our values and our actions, or at least the gap we think exists. For many, family and loyalty sit high on the values list. Moving abroad can feel, deep down, like we’re abandoning those values, even if that’s not the reality.
Cultural expectations can make this heavier. Some families hold unspoken rules about staying close, being physically present, or putting collective needs above individual dreams.
The emotional layers of guilt when you move abroad
In counselling internationals clients living abroad, we work together to unpack the layers of guilt, to really examine this heavy emotion and recognize it for what it really is. For many guilt is closely tied to love, to the care that we feel for our friends and family left behind. We feel their pain of our absence, and it hurts us that we’re the cause of that pain.
Tied up in there with guilt and love might be a sense of shame, that quiet voice that says “I’m selfish” for leaving, for taking this opportunity, for choosing a life of adventure over staying close to family. Additionally, we might feel fear, of drifting apart, of missing out on important occasions, of losing loved ones all together, in our absence.
Grief when you live abroad is also a common emotional layer, of leaving behind your “old life” and who you are there. Grief for the person you could have become if you stayed, for the life not lived. Guilt and grief go hand in hand when you consciously choose a different life, a life lived on your terms.
How to cope with the guilt of moving abroad
Here’s what I share with clients: guilt often shows us that something matters. It doesn’t always mean you were wrong to move away, it can mean you’re balancing competing priorities in a very human way. You can love your family and love your life abroad. The two can coexist, even if it takes work to balance them.
You’re allowed to build a life that lights you up, even if it means not everyone understands. Guilt may visit, but it doesn’t have to be your constant travel companion. Focus on continuing to create meaningful moments with your loved ones left behind, whether that’s through regular video calls, sending voice notes, or sharing an experience together like cooking the same recipe or reading the same book.
Above all, allow yourself to feel your feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable. Acknowledge and let yourself feel the guilt without letting it define your choices. Recognise that “all or nothing thinking” is not helpful. Physical distance between you it doesn’t erase your love and care. Realise that you can’t meet everyone’s needs in life, and you don’t need to be perfect.
Counselling for internationals living abroad
If you’re struggling with the emotional push and pull of moving abroad, your not alone. As a counsellor who’s lived this journey, I help people find ways to honour their relationships while embracing their own path. If you’d like to book a session, find out more about working with me and fill in the contact form at the bottom of the page to get in touch.
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