You did the brave thing. You packed up your life, moved to a new country, and threw yourself into building something new. You joined the classes, said yes to the events, smiled at strangers, and made small talk until your face hurt.
And yet, even months or years in, something still feels missing. The connections you have feel pleasant but somehow surface-level. You find yourself wondering: Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?
You’re not. And you’re far from alone.
Even if you moved with a partner or are in a cross-cultural relationship, making friends as an expat can be a challenge and loneliness can rear it’s ugly head when connections outside the relationship are scarce.
Why It’s Genuinely Hard to Make Friends as Adult Expat
Making friends as an expat is not only socially awkward, it can be contextually different and difficult in ways that are easy to overlook.
In many cultures, close friendships form in childhood and adolescence, and those bonds take decades to deepen. As an outsider arriving as an adult, you’re trying to find a way into a world that was already built without you. That’s not a personal failing. It’s just reality.
When friendships are built with other expats, the transitory nature of expat life can make for an exhausting cycle of making friends, them leaving, and having to start over again. The same introductory conversations, the same getting-to-know-you rituals, over and over. Each time you move, each time someone else moves on, you’re back at square one. It takes something out of you.
Building deep friendships, like any relationship, takes time and effort. And the mismatch is real too. People have different ideas about what friendship looks like. Some are content with a warm acquaintance; others want the kind of friendship where you can call at midnight. When those expectations don’t align, it can feel like rejection, even when it isn’t.
What You’re Feeling Makes Sense
From the outside, expat life can look like an adventure. From the inside, it can feel like a slow creeping loneliness that’s hard to name, let alone admit to. Saying out loud that you’re looking for friends is a vulnerability that most people choose to avoid. And so we feel as though everyone else is just “sorted” in the friendship department, that we alone are in feeling isolated.
You might catch yourself wondering: Are people just not interested in me? Have I become someone who can’t connect? That kind of self-doubt is incredibly common among expats, and it’s worth saying clearly: the difficulty you’re experiencing is mostly situational, not a reflection of who you are.
Many people who live abroad share this exact experience of feeling surrounded by people but not truly seen by them. The topic of friendship and isolation, and the challenges of finding authentic connections, comes up time and again among my clients, and as an expat therapist myself, I too have struggled to make deeper friendships and a sense of community in my most recent relocation.
What Actually Helps in Finding Connections Abroad
Consistency over events. A one-off yoga class rarely leads to deep friendship. What builds connection is showing up to the same place, with the same people, over time. Finding a community, even an imperfect one, and staying with it is more powerful than endlessly searching for the perfect fit.
Be the one who reaches out, and not just once. Most people are quietly hoping someone else will make the first move. Be that person. Invite someone for a walk, a coffee, a film. And if they cancel, invite them again. Persistence matters, and it’s rarer than you’d think.
Don’t overlook the quieter people. The loudest, most socially confident people in a room often already have full social lives. The quieter ones that may be hanging back a little may be looking for exactly what you are.
Get intentional about values. Rather than defaulting to whoever is geographically convenient, think about who you actually want in your life. What do you care about? Volunteering organizations, community groups, and creative spaces tend to attract people who are thoughtful, generous, and invested in connection. By getting clear on your values and intentionally living by them you start to build a more meaningful life for yourself abroad, and will hopefully meet like-minded people along the way.
Let yourself be seen, a little at a time. Deep friendship requires some vulnerability. Over time don’t be afraid to share something real, being honest about what you’re looking for, admitting that yes, you’d love to make a close friend here. It’s uncomfortable. It’s also how it starts.
A Note on Being Kind to Yourself
None of this is easy, and even when you do everything right, there will be disappointments. A promising friendship that fizzles. Someone who just isn’t looking for what you’re looking for. An invitation that goes unanswered.
Try not to let it harden you. That’s easier said than done, but keeping an open heart, even a slightly bruised one, is what makes connection possible.
And in the meantime, know that even joining a welcoming community, one where you can spend a few hours feeling safe and at ease, can ease the loneliness while you keep looking. It doesn’t have to be everything, all at once.
How Counselling Can Help
Sometimes the barriers to deep friendship aren’t only external. There can be internal barriers too that subconsciously tend to dictate our behavior. And that’s where counselling can make a significant difference.
Working with a therapist can help you understand the patterns that might be getting in your way. Perhaps a fear of rejection that makes you hold back when connection is within reach, or an attachment style that makes closeness feel unsafe even when you want it deeply.
Counselling can also be a space to grieve what you’ve lost: the ease of old friendships, the community you left behind, the version of yourself who knew exactly where she belonged. That grief is real, and it deserves space.
As a counsellor who works with adults living abroad, and who lives abroad myself, I understand how layered this experience is. Together, we can explore what healthy connection looks and feels like for you, and identify what might be holding you back. Through exploring your specific internal and external barriers to creating the the kind of friendships and belonging you’re looking for, you’ll be able to move forward with greater confidence and self-compassion.