When Love Triggers Fear
There are few experiences in life that feel as deeply uncomfortable as anxiety in an intimate relationship. One moment you’re high on love and connection; the next, a small shift in tone or a delayed reply sends your mind spiralling into worry.
“I shared too much.”
“I’m coming on too strong.”
“They’re losing interest.”
Relationship anxiety is one of the most common reasons clients come to see me — so widespread, yet so deeply personal and distressing. Living abroad can amplify these emotions, making both the highs and lows of love feel especially intense.
Before you know it, you’re hyper-attuned to every cue that your partner might be pulling away. Every message is over-analyzed. You second-guess your replies, trying to say the “right” thing. And beneath it all lies a deeper fear “what if I’m not enough?”
The Thought That Fuels Relationship Anxiety
“I’m not enough.” It’s a thought so many of us dread and want desperately not to be true. We try to cover it up with positive affirmations: I’m smart, funny, interesting, but when anxiety hits, that buried fear roars back.
We push it away, fight it, and ask ourselves, “How do I get rid of this belief so I can stop feeling anxious?”
But the harder we try to get rid of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, the more power they gain.
Soon the anxiety begins to dictate your behaviour. You hold back. You wait for them to reach out first. You walk on eggshells, terrified that being “too much” will drive them away.
And slowly, you stop showing up as your full, authentic self.
Why Inconsistency Can Feel So Triggering
If you’ve ever felt more anxious with certain partners than others, that’s not your imagination, and it’s not a flaw. Modern relationship science helps explain why.
Attachment theory tells us that when emotional signals between partners are inconsistent, perhaps warm and responsive one day, distant the next, our nervous system goes on high alert.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) founder Dr. Sue Johnson, explains that humans are wired for connection and safety. When that bond feels uncertain, our brains interpret it as threat.
Similarly, The Gottman Institute’s research shows that strong relationships are built on emotional attunement and consistency. Small daily moments of turning toward each other, listening, repairing after conflict, and showing care are what build strong rellationships.
When those moments are missing or unpredictable, even secure people can start to feel anxious.
So if your anxiety spikes when your partner becomes inconsistent or withdrawn, that reaction is deeply human. It’s your nervous system saying “something feels unsafe here.”
Why Acceptance Is More Powerful Than Control
We all have painful thoughts and memories. Trying to control, eliminate or change them often makes them louder. Acceptance means allowing your thoughts and emotions to exist as they are, without believing they define you.
Given our complex life histories and the ways our minds try to protect us, it’s natural that all kinds of thoughts arise, and some of those thoughts, like “I’m not enough” are uncomfortable. Acceptance allows us to hold them gently, instead of fighting a lifelong battle to make them disappear.
Instead of trying to get rid of or “fix” certain thoughts, the trick is to see them for what they truly are – mental events and nothing more. Recognising this allows you to take a step back from your thoughts rather than getting pulled into them.
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), defusion techniques, like saying to yourself “I’m having the thought that … I’m not enough” creates some space between you and your thoughts, without having to necessarily believe or buy into your thoughts.
Living by Your Values, Not Your Fears
When relationship anxiety flares, it’s easy to act from fear. Holding back, pleasing, or trying to control outcomes. Instead, try asking yourself: “What kind of partner, friend, or person do I want to be in this moment, even with anxiety here?”
Maybe you want to be honest. Kind. Courageous. When you act in line with your values rather than your fears, you build trust with yourself, no matter what happens next.
Being Vulnerable Without Losing Yourself
One of the hardest parts of love is accepting that vulnerability doesn’t guarantee closeness.
Being open and honest might feel risky. “What if it pushes them away? Sometimes it does. And that hurts deeply. But it’s also the only way to create a relationship built on truth rather than fear.
You can’t control another person’s response, but you can control your actions. You can choose to act in ways that reflect who you want to be.
If you value honesty and emotional intimacy, expressing your feelings isn’t weakness; it’s living your values. Even if the relationship ends, you can walk away with dignity, knowing you showed up as your authentic self.
Vulnerability means not abandoning yourself to keep love. It’s about being brave enough to stay true, even when outcomes are uncertain.
Valid Needs vs. Reassurance-Seeking: Knowing the Difference
People with relationship anxiety often wonder, “Are my needs valid, or am I just trying to calm my anxiety?”
The difference can be subtle:
Reassurance-seeking is driven by the urge to relieve discomfort. It’s fear asking for quick relief.
Expressing needs is guided by authenticity. It’s an honest, vulnerable invitation for connection.
One is about control; the other is about courage. When you begin to notice this difference, you can respond with more awareness, choosing actions that feel aligned and grounded, not reactive or self-protective.
According to Gottman’s research, how we express needs makes all the difference. When we use “soft start-ups”, gentle, clear statements about what we feel and need, we invite connection rather than defensiveness.
Building Security (Within and Between)
Healthy relationships are co-created. Both people contribute to the sense of trust and emotional safety that allows love to thrive.
You can’t build that alone, but you can nurture the part that’s within your control: your own self-awareness, emotional regulation, and clear communication.
Emotion Focused Therapy teaches that secure bonds are formed through emotional responsiveness, moments of reaching for each other and feeling that your partner reaches back. That responsiveness and accessibility, more than constant harmony, is what creates safety and connection.
When partners are both willing to tune in, express needs, and repair after distance or conflict, anxiety naturally softens.
And if, after trying to communicate openly, you find your partner can’t or won’t meet you there, your values will help you make choices that honour your self-respect and emotional health.
Finding Calm and Authentic Connection
Relationship anxiety doesn’t mean you’re broken or needy, it means you care deeply and your mind is trying to protect you from loss.
With the right support, you can learn to hold that fear gently, without letting it control your life or relationships.
You can’t control every outcome in love, but you can choose how you show up — with honesty, courage, and compassion for yourself and others.
If you’re finding it hard to feel secure in your relationship or to stay true to yourself while navigating love abroad, you don’t have to face it alone. I work with individuals around the world to build self-awareness, confidence, and calm in love and life. If you’d like support, reach out to book a session.