When we think of grief, we often imagine funerals, family gatherings, and the loss of someone dear. But for many people living abroad, grief can sneak up on you, months or even years after settling into a new country. It’s not always about losing a person. Often it’s about loss of proximity to friends and family, and parts of yourself that once felt unshakeable.
There’s a particular heaviness that comes from living far away from the people you love. It isn’t just homesickness. It’s something deeper, an emotional weight that lingers when you realise you’re missing out on life’s small moments: birthdays, milestones, casual afternoons with friends, being there when someone needs you.
As the years pass, this absence can feel cumulative. The longer you’re gone, the more memories are created without you in them. It’s a kind of mourning, but not the kind most people recognise. There’s no ceremony, no shared language to describe it.
Grief for the Life You Didn’t Live
For many, the grief isn’t just about what they’ve left behind, it’s also about what they’ll never get back. Living abroad often means choosing one version of your life while letting another one go. You might find yourself reflecting on who you might have become had you stayed. The job you could have pursued. The community you could have built. The version of yourself you’ll never meet.
This kind of grief can be disorienting. It’s rooted not in regret, necessarily, but in loss. Even when life abroad is fulfilling, a part of you quietly mourns the other story that never unfolded.
The Strange Feeling of Visiting “Home”
Going back to your country of origin doesn’t always provide relief, it can bring its own kind of grief. Many internationals speak of feeling like a guest in the very place they once called home. You sleep in spare rooms. Your belongings are packed away in boxes. The places you knew have changed, and so have you.
Even surrounded by people you love, it can feel like you’re on the outside looking in. There’s an expectation that returning home will feel grounding, but for many, it only underscores what’s been lost. You may find yourself mourning the version of “home” that no longer exists or may be faced with distance in relationships that were once close.
The Loss of Relationships, Slowly and Quietly
Living overseas often exposes the fragility of some relationships. Friendships that once felt unbreakable may start to fade with time zones and distance. You miss key life events. Calls become infrequent. The connection weakens. And sometimes, you begin to see dynamics more clearly from afar, realising that some relationships may not have been as solid as you once believed.
This slow deterioration of closeness can be incredibly painful. There’s no major falling out, just a growing silence. The grief of losing these connections often goes unspoken because nothing dramatic happened. But the sadness is real and often confusing.
Identity, Dislocation, and Emotional Fatigue
When you live aboard, you not only have to adjust to a new culture, you also constantly need to adjust yourself. Adapting your language, humour, habits, values. Over time, this effort can lead to something called identity fatigue. You’re always slightly out of sync, never fully understood.
This kind of emotional exhaustion can feel like grief, too. You mourn the version of yourself that once felt confident and clear. You miss being fully seen without having to explain your story or translate your emotions. The loneliness doesn’t always come from a lack of people, it comes from the effort it takes to belong.
Why the Grief Doesn’t Always Go Away
Some people expect that grief has a timeline, that it fades with enough time or distractions. But for internationals, the losses are often ongoing. Every missed event, every reminder of what you’re not part of, reactivates that grief in small ways. It can be difficult to explain to others, especially if your life abroad looks exciting from the outside.
It’s easy to feel guilty for grieving when you’ve chosen this path. But grief doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice. It just means you’re human, and that you’re carrying multiple truths at once. That you can love your life abroad and still feel the sting of what it cost you.
How Counselling Can Help
It can be challenging to discuss these topics with the people close to you, especially as it is often related to your life with them.
Counselling offers a safe, supportive space to:
- Name the losses you might not have had language for, whether it’s relationships, identity, home, or imagined futures.
- Process delayed or resurfacing grief that appears months or years later.
- Explore the emotional complexity of being far away from loved ones, or feeling like a visitor in your own life.
- Find strategies to stay connected to your values, rebuild meaning, and feel more grounded in your identity, wherever you are in the world.
Grief counselling for internationals living abroad can help you name it, honour it, and move through it with more compassion for yourself.
If you’re living abroad and experiencing the invisible weight of grief, I’d be honoured to support you. Find out more about working with me and take the first step toward feeling more connected and supported.
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